We've reached quite a milestone recently with the twins starting school. I have no idea how four and a half years have passed so quickly. Both Pat and Kitty have launched themselves into school with great enthusiasm and are really enjoying the experience.

Seeing them start school is an emotional experience. For most parents its the same I expect. It is the end of an era. An era that began with feeds through the night, then nappies galore, first steps, potty training and garbled talking. Starting school feels like the cut off point between infants and children. And a change to a different kind of parent.

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I have found this time particularly emotional because when the twins mother died I had no idea if I could step up and be a lone parent. And one of the things that helped me to do it was the idea - crazy or not - that the real hard work lasted until they started school. If I can get them to school, thought I, then I'll be okay, we'll have survived, our broken and sad little family.

Of course back then I didn't know I would eventually marry again. I didn't know that I would be a dad again. But even so, the last four years have been a huge emotional roller-coaster. And while I struggle with the loss we've suffered, and I expect I always will, I feel a huge sense of accomplishment that we have two very grown up children that have just begun their school life.

Meanwhile we also have a bonkers little two year old that's getting all the attention he missed out on at the start. And he's a bonkers little boy that's really throwing himself into learning to talk. Over the last two months it's been amazing to watch his understanding and speech develop. We're seeing the baby disappear and the little boy emerge. And he's a cheeky little monkey and the family's little comedian.

And there's more change ahead. I'm about to launch into a new career as a guitar tutor. I'm teaching rock/metal guitar to beginner adults and teens. I have no idea how successful it will be. But it's an exciting change of pace in my life - though I'll be carrying on with writing work too.

And so I think having shown you the cute picture and said all the right things about our happy little family starting a new era I've earned to talk about what's going on inside me too. Tomorrow (Friday) would have been mine and Lanie's fifth wedding anniversary. The day has weighed heavy on my mind for the last few weeks. I miss her terribly and still feel so lost at times.

Recently Kitty has been talking quite a lot of missing "Mummy Lanie". She has no memory of Lanie, who died the day after Kitty and Pat's birth, but we know she's genuinely sad about the loss, a loss she's only beginning to understand and feel. She told me that she misses all the things she could have done with Lanie. Having just got her first proper bike she wishes she could have shown Lanie how good she is at riding it. Poor Kitty.

Often recently she says "I miss Mummy Lanie so much" and it's all I can do to hold in the sobs that I feel rising in me. I've got to be the strong one for my little girl. "I know honey," I say. "I miss her so much too." She'll usually throw her arms around me and hold me tight, partly for my benefit and partly because she's feeling the loss too. And usually we'll turn things around, I'll talk to Kitty of happy memories and how much Lanie loved her little boy and girl. How the last thing Lanie wrote in her diary, on her last day with us, was that "March babies really are the most beautiful in the world." And I remind Kitty of that.

I'm sad that Kitty is feeling this loss. That our happy little girl sometimes clouds over and I know what she's thinking about. I know because that's often the case with me. And I also know loss cannot be measured in the time you spent with someone, but in what they meant to you, the love you shared. Kitty knows her mummy loved her dearly, and Kitty loves her back despite no real memory of her. But I'm also glad in a way, call it selfish, that I've finally got someone to share this loss with.

Tomorrow is not an easy day for me awash as it is with happy and sad memories. Of a life stolen from me, of a heart broken. Yet I will be spending the day with my cheeky, naughty, gorgeous little pickle William while the twins are at school. I feel a day of fun is in order, with naughty food and perhaps a trip to the seaside. You see, I don't hate my life. I have a wonderful life, with wonderful family. And tomorrow I've no doubt that there will be plenty of smiles as Will and I enjoy each other's company.

Should you see us on our travels though and notice my face clouding over, you'll know why. I am both lost and found and sometimes the lost shows its face.

With the twins starting school it feels like part two of this family's adventure. Episode one had plenty of frightening moments but got better as time went on. Episode two however, should be a breeze in comparison.

To be continued...