GrumpyDaddy

We've reached quite a milestone recently with the twins starting school. I have no idea how four and a half years have passed so quickly. Both Pat and Kitty have launched themselves into school with great enthusiasm and are really enjoying the experience.

Seeing them start school is an emotional experience. For most parents its the same I expect. It is the end of an era. An era that began with feeds through the night, then nappies galore, first steps, potty training and garbled talking. Starting school feels like the cut off point between infants and children. And a change to a different kind of parent.

Today should be a happy day. If Lanie had lived she would be celebrating her 37th birthday today. Her gorgeous twins and I would probably have made her a cake and took her somewhere special for dinner. I like to believe the alternate-worlds view of cosmology partly because it means somewhere that's exactly what is happening right now.

And meanwhile in this universe my wonderful Jo and I are planning a very special birthday for the twins next week, with our ridiculously cute baby Will, who doesn't exist in that alternate reality. It seems every universe has its own unique pain and suffering, but also has unique gifts things that make us so very happy.

Maybe there's even an alternate universe where Lanie can read this blog post and knows that I miss her so much and wish her a wonderful happy birthday.

It's Sunday morning and I'm watching my three little children bomb around the room as though it isn't fuckinghell o'clock. Of all the things about fatherhood I find difficult it's the early and noisy starts that are hardest to bear.

To be honest I'm not really cut out to be a parent. I'm too selfish. I'm also a night owl, feeling more creative in the small hours and semi-comatose before 11am. I love solitude and quiet. While some people - my wife included - recharge their batteries by spending time with friends I gain strenght with peace and quiet. Peace and quiet is not something available in a house with three children under four.

Many men probably feel the same about fatherhood. That's why so many supposedly young and hip fathers end up buying a shed to hide in as soon as possible. Some fathers may read this post and wonder what on earth I'm on about.

Many moons ago when we lived in Northolt and Jo was a full time curate I used to actually try to do my job while looking after baby twins. Of course that's a completely ridiculous thing to attempt - and I have no idea how I managed. But manage I did.

I suppose it was more amazing I managed to keep my job when first widowed and looking after the twins on my own - but I think at that point I was running on whatever passes for adrenaline among the grief stricken.

But I digress.

I used to sit at this very table using this very laptop, at our place in Northolt, trying to keep my company's website updated all the while twin babies were causing chaos around me. Madness, complete madness.

I recently received the official wedding photos for mine and Lanie’s wedding. I won’t bore you with why it’s taken over three years for me to receive the photos we paid for - at least I have them now and that’s that.

The pictures made for difficult viewing as you’d expect. Lanie died within six months of those photos being taken and every bit of them is drenched in sadness because of that. However I’m glad to have them, both as a memory of an astonishingly important and wonderful event and because I really don’t have as many pictures of Lanie as I’d like. One day the twins will want to see these.

Another reason the pictures were hard to look at was the complete cock Lanie and I made of the wedding. Getting pregnant with twins really messed up the plans for the dress. We got the music badly wrong and made a terrible job of making our guests feel welcome. And I was so nervous I spent the morning puking. Lanie and I would laugh about all these weeks later, but I still feel embarrassed that we didn’t mingle properly with our guests - sorry once again folks.

Being the father of twins imbues one with a certain amount of cockiness. After all - those early days together saw me as their sole carer having been cruelly widowed. And so when I hear couples talk about how hard it is to look after their one child I tend to inwardly snort with derision. “You want to try it with twins,” I think, “On your own, while your heart has been ripped out.”

But the truth is that no matter how well prepared you are, how much you think you’ve seen and done it all, the second time around is still difficult even for a couple. The twins didn’t walk properly until they were 15 months old. This was laziness on their part - they cruised for months - but thanks to our narrow house there was no gap that required them to let go of a wall to get anywhere. By the time they decided to give “look no hands” a go they were already experts at it. There was no phase of falling over, no wobbliness, all nice as simple.