It's Sunday morning and I'm watching my three little children bomb around the room as though it isn't fuckinghell o'clock. Of all the things about fatherhood I find difficult it's the early and noisy starts that are hardest to bear.

To be honest I'm not really cut out to be a parent. I'm too selfish. I'm also a night owl, feeling more creative in the small hours and semi-comatose before 11am. I love solitude and quiet. While some people - my wife included - recharge their batteries by spending time with friends I gain strenght with peace and quiet. Peace and quiet is not something available in a house with three children under four.

Many men probably feel the same about fatherhood. That's why so many supposedly young and hip fathers end up buying a shed to hide in as soon as possible. Some fathers may read this post and wonder what on earth I'm on about.

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For those who go out to work - rather than work at home and share daily childcare - it must actually be very hard. If I had to go eight hours without seeing my children I think that would be really tough. No cuddle from baby Will for a whole day? Not sure I could cope. But when you've spent time as a single father, being mummy and daddy, then being the primary carer for a long time too you can start to get jealous of those who enjoy traditional father roles.

That's not to say I really would trade my life for the tie-shackled commuter wage slaves. I never would have seen Will's first steps, Kit learning to talk (and talk and talk) or Pat going bonkers for Star Wars. No, I'd much rather be a bigger part of their lives than someone who just sees them at bedtime and weekends.

But I'm looking forward to Will approaching four as the twins are now so I have more freedom. I want to be a dad not just a lounge lifeguard. I want to be able to get on with things on a Saturday - things I want to do. I want to be able to do things like go play guitar, do some photography, play videogames .etc without that making the day harder for my wife.

I think actually that's the biggest issue. As a widowed father of twins I have a particular idea of what it is like to parent alone. For me it was a life changing horror. That isn't how I feel now when I'm in charge of our brood. But I can never forget how it felt to be left lost and alone during that difficult time. I subconsciously believe that my wife would have a similar horrific experience if I just had a night away as she suggests. This is of course nonsense, my wife has the kids on her own more than I do, but the death of loved one doesn't half mess with your noggin. Put this down to be being a complete pudding.

My wife occasionally goes away overnight for work. She finds it hard leaving the children but at the same time is glad to have time with grown ups (or the close approximation that is ordained clergy!). I don't mind flying solo for those days, it is tiring but it's not so frequent and I get to be in charge for a change (sorry honey) . Yet I can't believe it would be the same for my wife. So while she keeps encouraging me to go have a break I feel guilty at the very idea.

So as you can see I'm a contrary old sod. Often rather exhausted by being a parent yet feel too guilty about taking the time out to recharge my batteries. You know what, I’m going to book a day off as my wife keeps suggesting.