There's a job I really want. The pay is lousy, but in terms of personal fulfilment the rewards are infinite. I've been training for this job for years now. At first I was terrible at it - I even had to hand it onto others for a little while - before gritting my teeth and trying again. But now? It's the job I want most in the world.

...

When the twins came along I was an unwilling single parent and widower. I knew absolutely nothing about looking after babies and had to learn very quickly all the while being crushed by grief. I won't bore you with how that went - there's plenty of evidence here on the blog.

For the next couple of years I was the primary carer (I was their flipping daddy - but for most folks that doesn't mean I looked after the children) while holding down a full time job as a website editor working from home. It was tough and for a lot of the time I felt like I was doing something I had never planned or ever wanted.

I've come to realise though that during that time it became the most important thing in the world to me. A job that became who I am and how I define myself. I realised that more when I took time away from the role. When I got married and my wife switched to a part role in her job to spend more time being a mummy it came as a relief to me. I was pretty burnt out by this point.

Then baby Will arrived. And despite still working full time from home I threw myself into being as involved as I could in our little wonders' first year. I was a complete failure of a father in the twins' first year - destroyed as I was by grief. And I was determined not only to do a better job of being a father to a newborn in Will's case but also to enjoy it. And I did. I loved the whole experience of bringing up baby this time around.

But a year ago our happy little world was broken apart by me losing my job. I say losing, but it was taken from me. I'd spent six years as the UK editor for a particular website. The company was shut down due to a stupid spat between the new and old owners. I was promised my job back, I was also promised the money owed to me. Both promises were lies. I wasted months waiting for the job to start up again. And here I am months later than that still without a regular job.

As the year has passed we've changed our life again. Wifey is doing more work. I'm getting involved more with looking after our children. This feels very natural as this was the situation in which I began fatherhood. And I can't help but feel this is the right thing for me, for us. Looking after our baby feels like redemption. In September the twins start school - which feels like the end of an era, the point at which, when their mother died four years ago that was my goal. If I could get them as far as school, I thought, then I could cope with the rest.

Of course back then I had no idea I would marry again. I had no idea I would be a father again. And the only thing that held me together was the job I had which I loved - the website job that had been my life for several years. A job where I had made some great friends and a job that enabled me to continue to work even while struggling with becoming a lone father.

Like then the situation I find myself in now is so uncertain. The maths just don't work. Wifey is doing a great job with work and I'm taking on more time with the children. In an ideal world the maths would work - we'd have enough money coming in so I could take full care of the children and not only get the twins to school in September but do the same for little Will too. Wifey has a very fulfilling job and I really wished it paid her enough so that I could look after the children without feeling guilty.

I feel guilty because I'm not bringing in any money right now. I also feel guilty because I feel like a rudderless ship right now. I have no idea where I'm going. I know what I want. I want to look after my children. But I want to do that without seeming like a fucking leech. I love being a daddy but I'm becoming increasingly angry because even though it's the most important role in my life it doesn't pay me a penny. I don't want riches. I just want to be with my kids.

But here's the thing. We don't need a huge amount of money to fill the gap between our income and expenditure. But filling that gap is tricky. I've never known work so hard to come by. I'm an experienced professional web content editor/writer. I've managed to teams of writers, large web projects and I reckon can turn a neat phrase or two. I just need a day or two's work a week.

A couple of days - perhaps spread over evenings - is all it would take for me to live my dream. I want to be a full time dad. That's what I want. But right now we can't afford it - we're eating into our savings. I feel like that photo you see above - taken yesterday on Will's birthday. I want to play with my little boy, but there's so much clutter in the way. And I'm scared. Scared he'll have to go into childcare (and there's another heap of sums that don't work) and I'll end up doing a job I hate just to pay for it, which seems like a waste of time.

Ah you see, none of this makes much sense. I know I'm rambling. I know this post is hardly an advert for my professional skills as a writer. But it's a pretty fair representation of my confusion, anger and sadness that right now life doesn't seem to work. We're on the edge of perfection, on the edge of having our happy little life, and all that stands between us and it is a few hundred pounds a month.

So please, giz a job.

Clarification: So after all that waffle what I'm actually trying to say (and clearly failing) is that I think we have things worked out very well. I just need to get a part-time job that fits our life as it is now, rather than changing things.