I've been developing a theory for some time that I want to share with you. It concerns the attractiveness of lasses and how this is linked to their name.

This evening I've even carried out some research to confirm my views and I shall illustrate my theory with a Venn diagram, how's that for clever?

Before I explain my theory, let me talk a little about the the evening's research. You see my beloved L made me promise if ever something happened to her (by something I assume she meant passing away rather than just nipping out to the shops) I had to promise to find another wife.

While I'm not exactly sure I'll be dating any time soon I today visited the dating site where L found me. It's been long time since I've visited the site (the last time was when L and I decided to alter our profiles to tell everyone how happy and unavailable we were) and I've never actually looked around at the profiles there.

When I originally signed up to this site in 2004 I made a friend who got in touch with me after seeing my profile and then a year later L got in touch after seeing the same. So I have never actually looked around at this digital dating destination.

But what was interesting when I did so was that (a) the most attractive women were over 30, and more pertinent to today's lecture, (b) were called either Deb or Melanie.

This rather confirms a view I've held for some time. That the most attractive women in the world are either called Deborah (Deb, Debs, Debbie) or Melanie (Mel, Melly, Lanie). These lasses are more attractive than any other girls. Their only rival comes in the form of the ubiquitous Sarah. Alas it's her ubiquitousness that lets the side down somewhat and means while most Sarahs are gorgeous, there are a few who let the side down.

Now this isn't to say that there aren't attractive women in the world known by other names. You certainly can't go to any kind of young Christian meeting without bumping into a bevy of lovely Claires for example. In fact one could argue they could occupy a very similar position to Sarah¹.

But the strange thing about your Deborah or Melanie is that there aren't any ugly ones, at all. I'll go further, not only are there no ugly Debs or Melanies, but there are none that aren't gorgeous.

Okay, I'm putting myself out on a limb here but I can only go on my only research and experience. I've known quite a few Debs over the years and all of them were lovely. The same can also be said of the Melanies I've met and I was lucky enough to marry one of them.

You might scoff at this theory, but I have a Venn diagram to prove it.

And you can't argue with a graph or diagram can you? It's mathematics isn't it?

So with this theory fully fleshed out I've come to the realisation that should I wish to marry again I should be on the lookout for a Debbie or Melanie.

However I'm sure you can see the problem in the latter. Marrying another Melanie might come across as rather creepy, not that I ever called L by that name, but I'm sure many would think it a bit weird.

So that leaves Debbie and having given the subject some thought, I could go for a Sarah too, as I've known plenty of gorgeous ones of those. But if I want to keep up my very high standard the preferred choice would be a Deborah, Debbie, Debs or Deb. Deborah is a bit serious though isn't it? Better a lass that uses one of the various shortenings.

Now the sceptics among you might think that this theory is a load of rot, but you'd be unwise in doing so. You may point out many a gorgeous lass that isn't called Debbie or Melanie. Upon further investigation though you will find that they have Deb or Mel as a middle name, or their parents came very close to calling them by those names and a twist of fate has left them with the wrong name.

Now you must forgive me for ending the post here, but I'm going to be busy writing up the theory in more technical and scientific language for the submission to Nature and New Scientist.

Meanwhile if you're called Debbie and want to say hello, go ahead and distract me!

¹_{No giggling there at the back.}